_ . [fionanoif] .

♥ Saturday, July 09, 2005 ♥ 7:58 PM
Fuck my life

I've been going through a really tough week. I'm tired of all these. So tired that I broke down yesterday during class lessons. I hate myself for showing my weak side to the two-faces in my class. But I can no longer control myself. I've to let it go.

Yesterday, during recess, something happened. And it already stirred up my emotions. I tried and calmed myself down. Right after recess was English period, that was when I broke down. Everything bad that had happened to me just flashes to my head all of the sudden, I had no time to react. It was all so hurting. It hurts so bad that the only thing to do, was to cry it out.

Why are all these people who I trust so much have to lie to me? WHY?
Why do someone I trust/love so much have to lie to me?
Why don't he just tell me about anything or everything?
Why is he such a promise-breaker?
What am I to him?
Do I look like a fool to everyone?
I'm not stupid like you may think I am.
Stop lying. Stop breaking promises. Stop treating me like shit.
I'm human too. I've feelings too.
I'm tired of the fake world. I'm tired of the fake reality. I'm tired of the fake people around me.
I'm so tired. I don't want to be in this class, this school, this relationship, this house, this world. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to give up and take a good rest.

When I'm in my class, I can see that everyone's completing with each other.
What for?
The person who you should compete is yourself!
But they don't believe in that.

When I'm in school, I felt so out of place.
This isn't the place for me.
All I need now is a beautifully craved coffin.
But I can't afford it.

When I'm in this relationship, I felt so insecure.
Sometimes I may feel damn happy but when I'm sad, I'm really so fucking sad.
I'm tired of this.
But I still love you, boy.

When I'm in this house, I have no privacy, no freedom.
I can't breathe when I'm in this house.
I hate it.
But at the end of the day, home is where I'll go back to.

When I'm in this world, all that I can see are hatred and fake people.
I'm disgusted by all these.
I just want to lock myself away from the reality.
But how to?

*sigh* Why do I have so much tears?

When I stopped crying in class, Yvonne asked me whether I felt better. I just nodded my head. But actually I've more to tell her, I'm just afraid I may be too harsh if I said it out.

I wanted to tell her this, "What do you think? You think tears are medicine? You think the tears are able to heal the scars? Do you think tears are so powerful?"

*sigh* When Ms Wong (my english teacher) asked Guanlian, Yvonne and I to come forward to show us the mistakes we made in our composition, I felt like telling her something but I cried instead. I wanted to tell her, "Forget about telling me the mistakes that I made. I want to quit school already." When I thought about what I wanted to say, I felt that I'm so useless over my life, that's why I cried again.

And yes. Ms Wong did not asked why I cried. I'm glad that she did not ask. I don't want to be pity by her. I don't need her to pity me. All that I need now is God. Him to take me away from this deep shit that I had fallen into.

Is this a coward way? To die and not solve my problems bravely? Whatever you may think. But I've tried for such a long time in my life and yet my problems are never able to slove. What can I do now? It's not that I never try to slove. I did. I failed. And now, I'm tired.

Seventeen years already. It's not just a short 2 or 3 years. It's seventeen. From the day that I know about 'life', know about a lot of things, I know a little bit too much. Now, the person suffering is me. Sometimes I just hope that I won't know so much things. That's why they have this saying, 'ignorance is bliss'.