_ . [fionanoif] .

♥ Saturday, July 09, 2005 ♥ 9:41 PM
Is this plain jealousy?

I felt like a fool.

Most of my MSN nicks are about him. About how much I love him or how much I miss him. The things that I do are about him. I painted the rock that way was because of him. My papers, books and even table have his name. But what I get in return are totally different.

I'm such a fool.

His last nick was something to do with Melvin. Saying good luck to him and telling him that they will be brothers forever. *sigh* Do I ever see him writing something to me telling me all that? Do I see his nick with my name on it? Will I ever get the chance to see him write lovers forever? *sigh* I guess I will never.

The fool that I'll be.

His latest nick, "Nice School!!!! COOL FRIENDS!!!!!! DHM class C ROCKS!!!!!!" Yeah. He had got into a school that he love. He has cool friends. His class rocks. I sucks. Now I realised how stupid I was. How naive I was. He is having the time of his life. And here I am down in deep shit. Does he even care? I guess I know the answer.

FOOL.

He's out with his friends. The conversation of sweet nottings now turn to about his friends and what they do. Happiness, laughter and joy. That's what he experience with his friends. WHAT THE HELL AM I TO YOU, YOU FUCKING IDIOT? Yeah. I know. I'm just a fool. A bitch.

I don't want to be the fool.

Go on. Have fun with your friends. Enjoy yourself while you still can. Don't come crying to me and say that you regretted it all because I'll be enjoying seeing you being guilty.
I hate myself. I hate myself for trusting the promises that you made that you always break. I hate myself for listening to your lies. I hate me. I hate you.

Why? Why? Why do you treat me like shit when you treat your friends like gold? If you want it this way, why still carry on? Why bastard? WHY? I won't lie that I was jealous. But now, I'm not. I'm not fucking jealous. I'm sick and tired of all these. I don't want to be taken for granted anymore. Everyone took me for granted but you. I can't believe you too. Fine.

FUCK YOU! Fuck your family. Fuck your relatives. Fuck your boss. Fuck your friends. Fuck your money. Fuck your lies. Fuck your promises. Fuck your clients.

Stop asking me to smile. If you fucking want me to smile, make it happen. Action speaks louder than words, don't you ever know that, fucker?