_ . [fionanoif] .

♥ Monday, July 25, 2005 ♥ 5:19 PM
What does this means?

I realised that we made a mistake. A silly yet big mistake. Both of us are too stubborn to admit this. But deep down I know and you know about the truth of our stupid decision. I may be wrong but this is something strong that I had felt over the two days. I trust my instinct.

After crying for hours over the phone with Lynnda on the other line on Saturday night, I realised how much I needed you, how much you meant to me. I recalled and told Lynnda about what we used to do, about our sweet memories. It was so sweet that it hurts at that point of time. I thought of so much that we do, so much of firsts time with you, so much joy and love you brought to me. It was one of the best time of my life. And you are the reason why it's the best. I drown myself in tears and you drown yourself with beers.

I missed the way you used to call me. It had been two days since you last called me, but it seems like forever. I missed your voice too. It sounds so much hatred the last time I heard it. I wonder how is it now. I hope the next time when we talk, it'll be nice and cute, like how you always used to be.

Last night, I slept uncomfortably. I'm really not used to all these. Where's your call? I thought you would call. I know I'm stupid to think of that when we had promised ourselves on this decision.

As we were messaging each other, a thought suddenly appeared in my mind. I had this sudden urge of calling you. I know it wouldn't happen but then again, I hope you could hug me tight to sleep like how you hug me to sleep in Malacca. I wanted to tell you how much I missed and loved you. But I controlled myself and went into my dreamland. And I dreamt of you. Did you dream of me?

This is toture man. I don't know how are you feeling now but for me, it has been difficult. I wanted so much to call you names that I once called, names that I made up just for you. But everytime I have to earse it before sending the message to you. It's so difficult. Why? Because you are not Alvin. You are my future husband. That's what you ought to be. People used to ask me who were you. I said you are my boyfriend, Alvin. But it's different after two and a half years, people asked the same question but I told them you are my husband to be.

Did I think too much? No. I know I want to spend my life with you. I know that you are special. I know I won't be able to find anyone else whose able to treat me like you do. I know no one else can ever accept me like you do.

5 days. Can I handle it? I can't. But with the help from Lynnda, I really hope I can make it through. I'll be strong because I want to be with you again.

I love you. The feelings are getting stronger and stronger. This love that I have for you is unexplainable. It's so deep that it leaves a scar with your name craved in it.