_ . [fionanoif] .

♥ Sunday, October 09, 2005 ♥ 3:34 PM
What is this?!

Yesterday was supposed to be one of the best days since Alvin was the first to ask to meet and even offered to ask me over. But somehow I just got this uneasy feeling. No doubt. His friends will be over at his place too as one of his friends/brothers, Sherwin, will be cooking a seafood feast at Alvin's house. I told Alvin that I don't want to go since I wasn't invited. I hate being the odd one out. But he told me that the venue was his place and he had the rights to invite whoever he want to. I could say no more so I agreed. Anyway, that conversation was two days ago.

He messaged me yesterday morning. He met his friends at 9 plus to do project. *sigh* Jealousy tingled within me. Then at 10 a.m., he messaged me again to ask me to call him when I wake up. I woke up at 11 plus and called him. If I had woken up at 10plus, I could have gone and meet him with his friends at some place where they will be doing their project. But anyway, I wasn't too interested, so it was okay lor. =P He told me to get myself prepared. At 12 plus, he called again and asked to meet but I had to eat my lunch at home so he told me that after my lunch, I will need to go over his place.

The uneasy feeling was getting stronger and stronger. I was in the bus on the way to his place and suddenly my emotions took control over me and I cried. Half-way through the journey, he messaged and asked where were I. I told him the location and what he replied me made me cry again. But this time, I cried because I was touched.

When I was reaching his bus-stop, I gave him a call. He told me to go up his place on my own as he couldn't leave his house at the moment. *sigh* Always, everytime, he came down to pick me up de but now... because of his friends... *sigh* I went up with mixed feelings.

Once I reached his place, I looked through the window and saw his friends. They were playing mahjong. I felt worse. Enough people playing mahjong. So what was I supposed to do?! *sigh* When I got into his apartment, he was scolding his maid, on what... I don't know. None of his friends gave a damn about me. I felt so invisible. For the whole five minutes, I just sit at the bar counter staring into space. The only living thing who notice my existence was his dog. After god-knows-how-long, he finally called out to me. =/ *sigh* I really regretted going over.

He asked me to sit beside him while he's playing mahjong. I felt even weirder. So odd. So damn odd. *sigh* After that, I sat at the sofa in his living room. I cried a couple of times. I just couldn't control it. No one knows. Who cares anyway?! There was this girl who would rather sit on the floor than share the sofa with me. Look at how his friends treated me... damn, I hate them.

After that ordeal, one of the mahjong players had to leave. Then, Alvin's father wanted to play mahjong. So it was down to, Dex, Wayne, Alvin's father and me. Because Alvin did not want to play. *sigh* I didn't want to too. But do I have any choice? I've no say. *sigh* For that game, I won $7 plus. I wasn't really happy afterall. I still feel so left out.

Dinner was worse. I hate it. I hate them all. Stop all these shit lah. I can no longer stand it liao. His parents sucks. His friends sucks. He sucks. I'm alone. I'm the odd one out. I'm the outsider. I shouldn't have been there. My eyes got teary at the dinner table. But I did not cry. No way will i show my weaker side to them.

After dinner, we played mahjong again. Alvin got a little weird. *sigh* I did not enjoy it at all. I lost $5.30. By the time it ends, it was 1.30 a.m. already. Alvin told me to stay over his place. I did not have enough money to take cab and since my mother also did suggest me to stay over, I agreed.

Lights off. I nearly told him something but I stopped myself. I nearly mentioned the B word. *sigh* What was I thinking?! I guess I am just too tired of how I was being treated.

His parents will be home by 6.30 a.m. and so I told Alvin that I want to leave his place at 6. So that I'll not bump into his parents and make them think more badly of me. But I woke up at 6.25 a.m., and when I got out of the toilet, they had jsut reached home. *sigh* That's my luck huh.

He sent me down and waited for cab with me. Once again, I nearly said it to him. *sigh* I felt so empty suddenly. I got home. I lied on my bed and told about what happened. It felt like shit. Worse day in my whole life. His parents never liked me. His friends never liked me. Why not just free him and let him find his happiness since everyone are so against him of being with me? *sigh*

Messaged him at 2 plus today and I called his chinese name. He asked why I called. I asked why can't I called his chinese name. He said he felt weird that I use it. Fuck lah. Fuck the whole world lah. His fucking god-sister can called him bby his chinses name and I can't?! What the fuck?! His chinese name is resereve for her is it. Fine. Fuck her. Fuck hsi chinese name. Fuck everyone lah.

I can't scold vulgarities that what's everyone wanted me to change. But you know what, you guys are the one who wanted stop to it. But you guys are also the one who force me to use it again and again. I'm sick and tired of all these lah.

Alvin... I'm sorry... I guess I failed to be a good girlfriend.